Well, it appears we have a winner in the tumor naming contest. This has been tough because I just didn't have feeling one way or the other on its sex. I guess brain tumors prefer to keep their sexual identity secret. Randy had a good tip however, if your tumor has no visible appendages then it's probably a girl .Good tip, Randy. Now I was originally leaning towards naming it after an evil dictator. But, since it appears benign I've settled on a extremely annoying public figure. So the grand prize goes too....Randall Osborne! with his nomination of Nancy (as in PILOSI). Having submitted the winning (and only entry) Randy gets exactly what he deserves....Nothing. But he really is a great guy, and his wife thinks he's super cute!
hold on...I did not hear about any tumor naming contest! I demand a recount! and BTW if you are set on naming it Nancy-be sure and have it impeached, i mean removed, right away...yuck.(Comment by Jackie)
Sorry Jackie, the deadline past, and could you really name a more annoying woman in America? The contest had to have short entry time; this suckers leaving in a few days.
Now on to the nitty and apparently gritty (did you ever notice how I favor the word apparently? Huh, I and only I find that interesting, must go back to something in my childhood) of the operation. Well, that little sucker is BIG! Wow, do I know how to grow'm. So it's through the nose guys! All the pain and discomfort of a nose job with NONE, I all tell you NONE of the benefits. Crap, I couldn't talk him into taking a little off the sides and tip while he was at it. Well, it seems like they stick all sorts of goodies up my nose, push their way through the bone and scrape, scrape , scrape that tumor away They hope it's a soft one, well, don't we all. apparently (see I just love that word) soft are easier to remove than the fibrous ones, I thought fiber was good for us. The FDA lied again. I know that's probably the wrong agency, but give me a break guys.
Anyway getting back to the scraping line does that remind you of the song from South Pacific? "I'm gonna scrape the tumor right outta my brain" Well I digress, then get this their going to cut a little fat out of my abdomen. Take extra I told them, LOTS of extra. You don't know how many skinny girls with brain tumors are out there. Think of the lives my abdominal fat might save. We could start the nations very first fat bank, The Kim Broussard Memorial though she's still living fat bank. They applauded my altruism but said no. I just think this whole thing is patently UNFAIR. No nose job no lippo. I guess I just have to settle for the going away gift of my tumor in one of those cool little bottles. Now why the fat you may ask. Well, apparently (I just love that word) fat is a very effective adhesive, There had to be some reason for it, just call me Elmer. So why do I need adhesives, well apparently when you put a big hole in the bone in your brain you have to plug it up. Otherwise brain fluid tends to run down your nose all day that makes applying make up very hard indeed. And there's that other thing called meningitis, I don't think that's supposed to be good. So they take that fat and plug me like a cork, and no corkage fee. Now things get really fun. While still under anesthesia, thank goodness. Then insert all sorts of things where they don't belong, just to see how I'm doing. I could have told them, LOUSEY! Then they take two twin Posturepedic mattresses (I think this is where the high cost of the surgery comes in) roll them tightly and stick them up my nose! But they put straws in them so I can breathe. These straws are strictly for nasal use and are NOT to be used again, there goes any slight savings on my grocery bill, note to self; buy more straws. And here's what's really great, they put my nose in a NOSE SLING! Boy the things you learn having major surgery! I believe they tape this sling to the bags under your eyes, just to further play up on all your beauty. I hope I get two black eyes too! Then after a coupe nights then send you home to be miserable there. They have no tolerance for whining. Not fair, not fair! Home instructions: Do not under any circumstances SNEEZE! I kid you not I am not allowed to SNEEZE for a minimum of six weeks. Not to mention nose blowing. I think I can handle to no blowing part, but no sneezing, I may not have done all that well in science but, isn't that a natural reflex? Please forward any and all suggestions on how not to sneeze. And with that I bid you achoo, I mean adieu.